Kateryna Aksonova. My sidekick Dracula.

My-sidekick-Dracula-theatre-play-written-by-Kateryna-Aksonova



    Translated from Ukrainian language by author Kateryna Aksonova in April 2014.

    Revision July 2014.

    More about play.


    Characters:

    Man – Nick.

    Dracula – Vlad the Impaler, prince of Wallachia, Tepes.

    Ines – Nick`s wife.

    Lori – Ines`s friend, fell in love with Nick.

    Dorothy – Ines`s friend, loves everything related to vampires.


    Scene 1.

    Man-his-left-side-to-the-audience-stays-on-the-stage.-He-holds-a-riffle,-barrel-is-in-his-mouth

    Gloaming light. Man, his left side to the audience, stays on the stage. He holds a riffle, barrel is in his mouth. Eyes closed, hands shakes.

    Fubsy Dracula comes from the right wing of stage. He wears black suit and white scarf. In his hand is walking stick, knob looks like human scull. He looks about the stage.
    Dracula by stick knocks on man’s shoulder.

    Dracula-by-stick-knocks-on-man’s-shoulder

    MAN (not opens his eyes, not throws out riffle from his mouth, mumbles): Sorry, we are closed.
    DRACULA: My highly respected man, I just want to inquire about.
    MAN: Closed.
    DRACULA: How you will have success in business, if you even don't look at the client.
    MAN: Hell with you! We are closed.

    Man pulls riffle out from his mouth. Now stage is in full light. It is weapon shop.

    Man-pulls-riffle-out-from-his-mouth-weapon-shop

    DRACULA: I saw that it closed. I just want to ask.
    MAN (surprises): How did you get there?
    DRACULA: It is not interesting.
    MAN: It's important. You are a burglar!
    DRACULA: I am your future client and I ask for respect. Here is my visiting card.

    Dracula manipulates like a juggler, in his hand is visiting card now.

    DRACULA: Here it is.
    MAN (reads): Vlad Tepes, prince.
    DRACULA: In person.
    MAN: Surely not.
    DRACULA: Irrefutably.
    MAN: Then I'm an alien.

    Dracula by walking stick kicks man on hand. Visiting card vanishes with dust.

    DRACULA: Mother didn't inculcated you not to lie. Fine, I won't teach you either.
    MAN: Lot of talking. I have a riffle, by the way . I'll make one shot, two, three – you'll sing to me.
    DRACULA: Tawdry trick. Three shots. Wow! You have one bullet in riffle. You will never dare for second shot. However we didn't refer to that.
    MAN: How do you know about one bullet?
    DRACULA: Insignificant. Maybe we will talk about my case.
    MAN: What case?
    DRACULA: I came here because of bother. I am interested in your articles.
    MAN: Weapon. Which exactly? Model, year, also we offer exclusive weapons.
    DRACULA: I have weapons. And your shop is nursery room of beggar. Still on my situation.
    MAN: I'm listening to you.
    DRACULA: It's delicate background.
    MAN: And?
    DRACULA: I'm interested in bullet.
    MAN: Calibre?
    DRACULA: Doesn't matter. I'll find myself suitable weapon.
    MAN: Any?
    DRACULA: I didn't say that.
    MAN: Which then?
    DRACULA: Silver.
    MAN: Are you crazy?
    DRACULA: Have you it or not?
    MAN: Not.
    DRACULA: Can you suggest where I can book one?
    MAN: What for?
    DRACULA: It is long story. Conceivably, you don't predispose.
    MAN: You are gripping person. I'll listen.
    DRACULA: Occasion is delicate. Intimate I even could say. Private.
    MAN: Do you want to kill somebody?
    DRACULA: Yes.
    MAN: It is not my business. No. I understand that I don't know why they buy weapons. Perhaps to kill someone. When you told me that... No, I won't sell.
    DRACULA: I don't need a weapon. I want the bullet.
    MAN: It's not a big difference.
    DRACULA: Splendid. I intend to kill myself.
    MAN: Suicide.
    DRACULA: Yes. I am tired of life. Very aristocratic.
    MAN: Aristocratic?
    DRACULA: Yes, bullet in heart. Through. Not like you. Bullet in head. Everything will be bespattered around.
    MAN: What is the matter to me?
    DRACULA: In my variant everything is clean. In heart, bullet fly out. I had the crypt before now. Coffin and all this stuff.
    MAN: Did you prepare all for yourself?
    DRACULA: I don't think that my relatives will do this.
    MAN: Practical!
    DRACULA: Everything came with experience.
    MAN: Why are you thinking about suicide?
    DRACULA: You had heretofore answered to this question.
    MAN: I just wonder, what are another peoples grounds.
    DRACULA: I am no longer attracted by that kind of life. Hide myself. To be nobody for no one. I used to live different life.
    MAN: Are you retrograde person who don't find his place in new world?
    DRACULA: Absolutely wrong direction. No, not that way. I exhausted from advertisements. Like you see, I don't make a woman’s heart flutter.
    MAN: With your face? How do you expect that?
    DRACULA: Now another man became fashionable. Glance with glean. Where do I take it from? And pale face. I am who I am. I never hid from wind and sun. Not once I lived for pleasure in dungeon. I was not afraid of anything, unfailingly was on front line.
    MAN: Your story is strange.
    DRACULA: I told the truth.
    MAN: I am not about that. Not clear, allusions.
    DRACULA: Well. If you crave to understand me, I will have to narrate about me. Odi et amo.
    MAN: Have something to say?
    DRACULA: You saw my name. Vlad Tepes.
    MAN: Yes. Strange name.
    DRACULA: I'm from Romania.
    MAN: What are you looking for here?
    DRACULA: I'm stranger for the whole world and I try to find a rest.
    MAN: Your words are unusual. Who are you?
    DRACULA: I'm Dracula.
    MAN: Good heavens!
    DRACULA: Calm down. Modern man, but superstitious like a caveman.
    MAN: But Dracula!
    DRACULA: Here I am. On account of this I changed places, countries. Nowhere to go.
    MAN: Dracula was prosperous man!
    DRACULA: You're absolutely right – was. Magnos homines virtute metimur, non fortuna. I had descendants, after that were wars. Now tourists. No home.
    MAN: But you are alive!
    DRACULA: It's disputable question. Prorsus credible est, quia ineptum est. Rather, I never die.
    MAN: How old are you?
    DRACULA: When I was born I couldn't count and didn't look at the calendar. Historians have debates. Possibly it was 1431 year.
    MAN: And still here?
    DRACULA: You see.
    MAN: On human blood you lived. So many years. I now you... (threatens Dracula with riffle)

    Man-threatens-Dracula-with-riffle-weapon-shop

    DRACULA: Tranquillity. I have told you already about silver bullet. You can't. It wasn’t any human blood.
    MAN: How it was not?
    DRACULA: Yes, I had impaled some, cut arms and legs. But not for life or death. For goodness sake!
    MAN: Why are you still alive?
    DRACULA: In humans there is power stronger than blood in vein. And, I live from it. Already fifth, hell, memory, six centuries.
    MAN: What is stronger?
    DRACULA: Do you want to know my mystery?
    MAN: Why not? You want my soul for that, don`t you?
    DRACULA: I was thinking that you are smart. I don't take souls. Not my rank. If you understand about what I am talking.
    MAN: You said you are not one of them.
    DRACULA: Who?
    MAN: About whom better not to talk in the night.
    DRACULA: Are you about devil?
    MAN: Good heavens! I had asked you! How you could.
    DRACULA: For whom you make comment. It is your fault.
    MAN: Mine?
    DRACULA: When you put riffle in the mouth you think that angels from the heaven come down for play on harp to your soul?
    MAN: I didn't think about it.
    DRACULA: Devil will come to you, for your soul.
    MAN: Where from do you know everything, if you never die?
    DRACULA: I have a pass.
    MAN: Where?
    DRACULA: There, where you had packed your belongings.
    MAN: Is it possible?
    DRACULA: Have you an idea for how many decades I handled on that?
    MAN: To whom you go? Find there a mistress.
    DRACULA: You are so stupid. I have there one Irish man.
    MAN: But you are from Romania.
    DRACULA: Now young people so ignorant. Brem Stocker, Irish man. He destroyed my last hope.
    MAN: Hope for what?
    DRACULA: To die.
    MAN: Nobody could dream about that.
    DRACULA: Sometimes I think that you absolutely forgot from what I tore off you, with my talking.
    MAN: Are you about that?
    DRACULA: Assuredly. You know that there are so many films about me, as much as about Holmes.
    MAN: Fantastic!
    DRACULA: Not for me.
    MAN: What about your mystery?
    DRACULA: Remember, good. Not blood keep me here - fear.
    MAN: What about?
    DRACULA: You really silly man! It is not my consternation, but another person’s fear keep me there. I feel better each time when somebody afraid of me. And, because of this I live so many centuries, until I became part of mass culture.
    MAN: Whose fear?
    DRACULA: The one which I killed. Oderint dum metuant. Their children, grandchildren. They were scared with my name – I live.
    MAN: If you are not a vampire, why you need a silver bullet.
    DRACULA: My boy, Nick.
    MAN: I didn’t tell you my name.
    DRACULA: Young people! What do you have on your pocket? "Nick – senior consultant seller". Is there a junior consultant?
    MAN: It's simply saying.
    DRACULA: Consequently, I am not a vampire. I also tried to kill myself in different mode. Now I want to try to die like a vampire. Perhaps I will make it. I was more creative than you.
    MAN: What about me?
    DRACULA: You have flat thoughts like that floor.
    MAN: What are you talking?
    DRACULA: Truth. Scary axiom. You work in weapon shop. You decided to kill yourself.
    MAN: I can't see a connection.
    DRACULA: May I finish?
    MAN: Continue.
    DRACULA: In the morning they will find you with bullet in head.
    MAN: I don't care.
    DRACULA: I already noticed. Think a little bit. They will stumble upon you in the morning. And you had hung yourself. That is turn, that is plot. Everyone are astonished. Better – poison. What a person! That how I understand creative in exit from daily routine.
    MAN: I had never thought about that.
    DRACULA: I am sure.
    MAN: Are you alone during all this time?
    DRACULA: I had brothers. Mircho and Radu. I had wife. Like you surmise, not one.
    MAN: She committed suicide - jumped from the bridge into river.
    DRACULA: From where they had thrown her, this storytellers. I can tell for my excuse – I had any divorces. We lived together till death. Like you know, in most of cases, her.
    MAN: And now?
    DRACULA: I am alone. By the way, I want to die. Women are bullets in head. Pardon the bad pun.
    MAN: Nothing.
    DRACULA: Did you do this because of woman?
    MAN: Yes.
    DRACULA: Why?
    MAN: It is your fault in general.
    DRACULA: We never met before!
    MAN: I am talking about vampires.
    DRACULA: Does she like vampires?
    MAN: My wife is totally crazy about them.
    DRACULA: As far as?
    MAN: Look. (man forces out of pocket "vampire`s teeth") Without that I never lie in bed.
    DRACULA: What is this?
    MAN: Vampire`s teeth!
    DRACULA: How interesting. Which material?
    MAN: Plastic.
    DRACULA: Expensive?
    MAN: Cheap.
    DRACULA: And I had paid! Good, that I this extortionist after... Checked the work!
    MAN: Why do you need such teeth, if you are not a vampire?
    DRACULA: I was born that way and used to my teeth. You know, I even forged by them in hard times.
    MAN: How?
    DRACULA: I played vampires. Robbed, scared people. Triviality.
    MAN: Why you that dentist ... for teeth?
    DRACULA: Don't look at me like that. I didn't drink his blood. Just bit for fright. And he died from fear. You know, I don't like that. I even have a tinge of disgusting.
    MAN: What for exactly?
    DRACULA: Bite.
    MAN: And women?
    DRACULA: Nick, women are different. You have to find so many ways for win one. Dancing and biting.
    MAN: You said that it is not your bad fame.
    DRACULA: Certainly.
    MAN: People didn`t say without proves. They called you blood drinker.
    DRACULA: Called. And also said that I executed many people. You know it was that years.
    MAN: What years?
    DRACULA: 1456-1476.
    MAN: Not about this. Which circumstances forced you to do that? Blood lust.
    DRACULA: No. It was complicated. At first I was taken prisoner at Turks, after it at Hungarians. All the time they wanted to kill me. And wars, sustained wars.
    MAN: After that, I believe, you did not stop.
    DRACULA: Every day is fight. Vivere militare est . Yes, I shed lot of blood. And because of that I became a vampire for someone.
    MAN: Why you decide to stop all this now?
    DRACULA: Tired. You know, all that decadence, strive to death, adore of fear. I understand that you with all your technology just savages. In brief, it's horrible. I had dreamed about calmness. At least, I'll go to forgetfulness. Not far from it will be the end. No! They recall me every time. For them I am like punctuation mark. Every day I feel better.
    MAN: Are you complaining?
    DRACULA: What for that life?
    MAN: Have you a goal in your life?
    DRACULA: If not count aim to be dead. No, I don't remember.
    MAN: Money, power, women.
    DRACULA: Money I had, but they ended. Power, all my life in Wallachia was dedicated to power. And everyone wanted to kill me.
    MAN: Women?
    DRACULA: You about that vampire lives eternal life with his sweetheart till something not turn them both to ash.
    MAN: Now everyone talk about it.
    DRACULA: I remind you, I'm not a vampire. Hate and fright keep me here.
    MAN: You are the Wandering Jew.
    DRACULA: No, but also have to mooch around. So, I don't think that all will abhor like me woman who I choose. And we couldn't be together always.
    MAN: Really, delirium.
    DRACULA: I can't have eternal mistress. I tried. I know.
    MAN: Your story is persuasive. About teeth and your age.
    DRACULA: All the same, you don't believe me.
    MAN: No, I think about something else. Why Turkish or German man was made famous vampire, but you was. People didn't tell rubbish.
    DRACULA: Oh, yes.
    MAN: Are you a vampire at the end?
    DRACULA: Everyone in my homeland thought like that. Causa latet, vis est notissima. And about the one who was buried instead of me. They broke his chest with stake and cut his head.
    MAN: Instead of you?
    DRACULA: If I am talking to you now...
    MAN: Definitely.
    DRACULA: They thought undoubtedly that I was vampire.
    MAN: Because of death all these people or because of Turkish men?
    DRACULA: You also heard about Turks whom I nailed their fesks to heads.
    MAN: You so glad, you think you were witty.
    DRACULA: I was prisoned by them for twelve years, and not just this jape I wanted to made.
    MAN: You forgot about vampires.
    DRACULA: No, not forgot. It's superstition from my homeland.
    MAN: What?
    DRACULA: I changed my faith from Orthodoxy to Catholicism. Refused the Eucharist of Christ blood. And in my country believed that everyone who changed his faith start to serve devil. Ergo. And went for the blood, but not in church, searched it in another places.
    MAN: All sovereigns changed their religion.
    DRACULA: Paris vaut une messe. Yes, but only I trapped in history.
    MAN: Do you need all this?
    DRACULA: I came to you for bullet. I don't need it.
    MAN: In fact.
    DRACULA: What will you suggest to me?
    MAN: I don't know. I will try to ask carefully. But later. Your story is very sad.
    DRACULA: I never judgement about it.
    MAN: Believe me.
    DRACULA: Why are you so enliven? Your eyes are shining.
    MAN: I'll try to find a bullet. And I want to ask for little favour from you.
    DRACULA: What? I can't give you anything.
    MAN: I know. I just want to invite you to my house.
    DRACULA: What for?
    MAN: I already told you about my wife.
    DRACULA: She likes vampires. Are you proposing her to me?
    MAN: One hundred per cent not. I just want to introduce you to her. And when she will hear your story...
    DRACULA: What will occur?
    MAN: Perhaps all this delirium goes away from her. We could live like we lived before.
    DRACULA: That's all?!
    MAN: It would be nice. Do you occupy with something?
    DRACULA: As far as I know nothing noteworthy. I could come to your home.
    MAN: Tomorrow.
    DRACULA: Why not today?
    MAN: Today is awfully late. She will throw us away.
    DRACULA: Wicked?
    MAN: With temper.
    DRACULA: We have a deal. Tomorrow... tomorrow... tomorrow... You will ask about bullet.

    Tomorrow-tomorrow-tomorrow-You-will-ask-about-bullet

    MAN: I'll do all in my power...

    Blackout.


    Scene 2.

    Living room. Table, chairs, wardrobe painted in strange colours.

    Sound of doorbell.

    Woman enters from one door through scene to another door.

    INES: Again you forgot your keys, Nick.

    Woman-enters-from-one-door-through-scene-to-another-door

    Woman disappears in curtain. After that she comes back on stage. With her enter Nick and Dracula.

    MAN: Ines, may I introduce you...
    INES: Like always you drag someone at home.
    MAN: Listen, woman.
    DRACULA: Good evening, Ines.

    Dracula bows his head.

    Dracula-bows-his-head

    INES: Evening, who are you?
    DRACULA: Your husband tried to say my name.
    INES: Can't you label yourself?
    DRACULA: Admirable. I like women with bad manners. My name is Vlad Tepes, I came from Wallachia.
    INES: I don't think that I know where it is.
    DRACULA: It is not your obedience.
    INES: Come. Fine, Nick. Why you delivered him here?
    MAN: I want to introduce him to you.
    INES: Is he one of your’s unknown relatives? Or man with whom you want to drink. What is your name?
    DRACULA: You could call me Vlad.
    INES: No way.
    DRACULA: Acceptable, you could call me mister Tepes.
    INES: Mister? Did you make jest? Good, mister Tepes, for how long did you know my husband?
    DRACULA: Not very long, when it compare to my age.
    INES: Yes, life was unkind to you.
    MAN: Ines, good heavens.
    INES: Are you talking to me? You brought home your buddy, sidekick. How much alcohol have you drank together?
    DRACULA: Not a drop.
    INES: I see, how cruel life is for you.
    MAN: Ines, you were dreaming to meet him.
    INES: I am not interested in tramp.
    MAN: Ines. He is Vlad Tepes, from Wallachia. Do you remember anything?
    DRACULA: Your wife is irritated. I'll help her. I am Dracula.
    INES: Who? (at first starts back, then intent gaze) Moment. If he is Dracula, then I am Bella.
    DRACULA: Which Bella?
    INES: From "Twilight". Did you read this?
    DRACULA: All plots in literature are constant. Writers find new words to tell what everyone had experienced before them. I don't read new books. That's all tosh.
    INES: Really, you don't look like drinker.
    MAN: At least, you understand.
    INES: You call yourself Dracula.
    DRACULA: To be precious Dracul, but I had used to it.
    INES: Fine. Prove.
    MAN: How?
    INES: Do you agree?
    DRACULA: I always agree to all women's caprices, deal.
    INES: Nick, you have new escapade. You want to make a wisecrack. You'll see, how it all ends.
    MAN: Nothing of that...
    INES: Without doubt. You just met Dracula on the street.
    DRACULA: If beneficient let me, I accidentally crossed paths with your husband at his work.
    INES: Are you going to hunting?
    DRACULA: Yes, I found a target long ago.
    INES: Why you come to our home?
    MAN: Ines, I already told you. I want you acquainted with him.
    INES: Make some pleasure to me?
    MAN: You like vampires.
    INES: Your joke is childish. Wait. I like strong, quick vampires, not that dross in rags.
    DRACULA: De gustibus non est disputandum. I think, for lady, it is not a problem that I am present during conversation.
    INES: Not for me.
    DRACULA: I am glad to hear that.
    INES: Dracula?
    DRACULA: That happens.
    INES: Why you in our town?
    DRACULA: Urgent business.
    INES: And you know the language.
    DRACULA: So many years.
    INES: Of course. I just didn't realize. And you met my Nick.
    DRACULA: That's how it occurred. Have you some worries?
    INES: Me, no. Sorry. What a hostess of me. Now I will prepare something to eat.

    Ines exits quickly.

    DRACULA: Why you daunted me with her?
    MAN: I already regret for invite you.

    Dracula-i-regret-for-invite-you

    DRACULA: Why? All is blameless.
    MAN: Sorry, possibly you know a lot about women. I know my wife better. She just starts. She thinks of something.
    DRACULA: Maybe she wants to kill me, at least.
    MAN: Bad, but not so. She will be mocking.
    DRACULA: On me?
    MAN: Yes.
    DRACULA: We'll see who triumph here.
    MAN: You have time to set off.
    DRACULA: I'll stay.
    MAN: Will be disaster.
    DRACULA: We'll see.
    MAN: Quiet. She returns.

    Enters Ines, she carries saucepan, puts it on table.

    Ines-carries-saucepan-puts-it-on-table

    MAN: Can I help?
    INES: It is job of hostess. I didn't expect guests, just what I had.
    DRACULA: I didn't ask for dinner. Blather is enough for me.
    INES: You know, I am on a diet now.
    MAN: Which diet?
    INES: Be quiet, darling. I am thinking of my figure. I have only special meal.

    Ines puts saucepan close to Dracula and quickly opens cover. Dracula backs off.

    Ines-quickly-opens-cover-Dracula-backs-off

    INES: Didn`t you like?
    MAN: What you?

    Man looks inside saucepan.

    INES (roars with laughter): Garlic and holly water. Why didn't you like?
    DRACULA: Why not? Did you think about how I could swallow it?
    INES (surprised): You need spoon, fork.
    DRACULA: A glass would be enough.
    INES: I didn't think that Dracula will drink it.
    DRACULA: Previously your husband told me that you adore vampires. In reality you want to destroy them. He didn't remarked about it.
    INES: No, but you are not a vampire, if you want to eat garlic.
    DRACULA: What do you know about vampires? What do you know about me if you propose to me such a delicious nutriment?
    INES: You drink human’s blood!
    DRACULA: In that way we necessitate another prove.
    INES: Now, I offer you my neck.
    DRACULA: Afraid?
    INES: Me? You'll disappear, when sun came.
    DRACULA: If you believe at this, why are you looking for passionate lover among us.
    INES: Definitely. Nick you don't mind if I'll have an inspection with your sidekick.
    MAN: Ines, shame on you.
    INES: We could make it here or go to the bedroom. Nicky, where will you wait? And you, Dracula, why silent?
    DRACULA: I will propose to have a rendezvous in crypt. Here it is not befit for me.
    INES: What exactly?
    DRACULA: I was invited. I can't do that for home owner.
    INES: Owner?
    MAN: Stop, I am fed up with this.
    INES: And I? You are vain. Who did you lug at home? By the way, mister Dracula, today is special night.
    DRACULA: Yes, full moon.
    INES: Because of this you came here, you feel stronger.
    DRACULA: It is not needful for me.
    MAN: Ines, stop. He is not a vampire.
    INES: Where from do you know?
    MAN: There are any vampires. And due to that I brought him here that you will make sure.
    INES: Of course, I almost forgot how amusing is my husband. To prove that all this is fib you unobtrusive brought home Dracula.
    DRACULA: Perchance your’s husband had good intention. But today you not prepare to listen it. Maybe next time.
    INES: Do you afraid of conversation?
    DRACULA: Not at all. I can have a discussion with you untill death. Of course, yours.

    there-are-any-vampires

    INES: You stay?
    DRACULA: Without doubt. If you don't mind, without your food also. Next you bring silver and stake. Why? You like our dark side. Why you made an assault?
    INES: I like. Not you. I want to prove that you are lying and my husband found you. He lost his noteworthy and brought his sidekick for wife's fun.
    MAN: Shame, Ines.
    INES: Shut up. I will talk with you later. If I want to. If I want.
    DRACULA: You have mistaken consideration about your’s husband. He invited me. It is not his defeat. He wanted to please you in everything. About that dream all women!
    INES: I don't think you know my thoughts.
    DRACULA: Conceivably I am already in your subconscious.
    INES: Are you dream about my kiss?
    DRACULA: Better I will convince you for longing of that moment when my fang will touch your neck.
    INES: Not in your life.
    DRACULA: I did not do it.
    INES: Of course, I will refuse.
    DRACULA: Not, if I'll order you.
    MAN: Enough. You want a vampire – Dracula. You have him. I meant talk to him, ask questions. You said that it will be the happiest day in your life.
    INES: Wait! Thank you for vampire. I will make all myself, find who I want. I dream about that for a long time. Now I am ready.
    MAN: You will not do anything!
    INES: Watch me!
    DRACULA: I am sorry, but if you want to confabulate with me. Ask something? I am here. I am ready to talk and to answer.
    INES: Really. I don't need that.
    DRACULA: Why?
    INES: My husband is not such a clever man. If he found you, at least you are prepared.
    DRACULA: What for?
    INES: For my questions.
    DRACULA: How?
    INES: It is easy to find out what I will ask.
    DRACULA: So try.
    INES: You tell story which everyone knows.
    DRACULA: Entreat about what only I could know.
    INES: In that way I don't know is it true or false. Man, your joke is fail. And get out of here, you both. Today is great night and I don't need you two. I will come in half an hour. Nobody is here for that time.
    MAN: Ines, do you turn me out of home?
    INES: Yes, for tonight. You were planning to get drunk with your sidekick, please. I even permit it. Take money, I will not argue. Go. Bye, Dracula. Dullard!

    Ines exits, both man puzzled.


    Scene 3.

    DRACULA: Did I miss something? Did she throw us away?
    MAN: Yes.

    did-she-trow-us-away

    DRACULA: Why?
    MAN: She went to her friends.
    DRACULA: To lament about your`s foolish joke.
    MAN: No, her friends just like her.
    DRACULA: Are they as well polite and hospitable?
    MAN: No, they like to read and watch all about vampires.
    DRACULA: Conceivably we comprehend her absolutely wrong. Does she want familiarise with me all of them?
    MAN: No. It is strange that they won`t be at Dorothea's place. Why here?
    DRACULA: Are we withdrawing?
    MAN: I need to make sure in everything.
    DRACULA: Say clear for me.
    MAN: Tonight is full moon.
    DRACULA: Yes, your`s wife announced that.
    MAN: Don't you remember?
    DRACULA: Now I don't require all this.
    MAN: Yes, you damned because of that life.
    DRACULA: I don't want to palaver relating to this. What about full moon?
    MAN: Dorothy makes spiritual seances.
    DRACULA: Do they contact the dead people?
    MAN: Yes, them as well.
    DRACULA: And you wanted to die to see your wife more frequently. (laughs)
    MAN: I am so pitiful!
    DRACULA: Nick, sorry. Just bad quip.
    MAN: I think she lied to me.
    DRACULA: In what?
    MAN: Lori has been already at Dorothea`s place.
    DRACULA: Who is Lori?
    MAN: One of wife's friends. She is...
    DRACULA: You are flushing! You had something with her.
    MAN: No. Never. But I think...
    DRACULA: She wouldn't be against it.
    MAN: How do you know that?
    DRACULA: I saw it in your`s eyes. You still temporize.
    MAN: I have Ines. From time to time I think...
    DRACULA: Depict quick, till she reappears.
    MAN: She didn't go to Dorothy. I meant, she never has brought them here. Everything was made there.
    DRACULA: Why did she announce that?
    MAN: She has a lover.
    DRACULA: Are you sure?
    MAN: I don't know.
    DRACULA: Find answer to your puzzle. You know what I did with infidelity wives... When you make sure, then I tell you, when it be on time. In my country was absolutely fidelity. And stability. And all was owing to stick. Sorry, again stupid pun.
    MAN: I want to know. Do I make a mistake?
    DRACULA: Listen, I already have a headache from your speech. Make choice.
    MAN: They can make a spiritual seance.
    DRACULA: What is your regard here?
    MAN: Would you like to make revenge to Ines? She talked with you like...
    DRACULA: Look. You are not such a ditherer like you look like. Of course, I want to put her in her place. Retaliation.
    MAN: Let's stay both.
    DRACULA: If you persist.
    MAN: I want to prove everything by myself.
    DRACULA: Do you assure?
    MAN: Yes, no matter how all this will end.
    DRACULA: As you say.

    man-hides-himself-in-wardrobe

    Man hides himself in wardrobe.

    DRACULA: In earlier times lover hid in wardrobe from husband. Now in wardrobe husband waits for lover. O tempora! O mores! This word is absolutely mad.

    Dracula opens second door in wardrobe. Dracula takes out of it white jabot and black cloak. Puts straight hair. Makes everything habitual.

    man-looks-from-wardrobe

    MAN (looks from wardrobe): There is a mirror.
    DRACULA: Not necessary. I used to put clothes without look at mirror.
    MAN: How all this? In that wardrobe.
    DRACULA: I am not a vampire. Do you think that I could live for so many years without exceptional practicability?
    MAN: I hear voices.
    DRACULA: Don't tremble. Everything will resolve soon. Audi, vide, tace.

    Dracula-hides-in-darkness

    Dracula hides in darkness.


    Scene 4.

    Enters Ines.

    INES: Don't hurry. We have plenty of time for everything. (looks round on all sides) Went away. Fine, we'll see how real was your sidekick Dracula. Now I justify. That night won`t forget anybody.

    Enter Dorothy and Lori. Each of them hold bottle of red vine in hand.

    lori-dorothy-bottle-of-red-vine

    LORI: Here we are.
    INES: Bottles on table.
    DOROTHY: You have on table...
    LORI: You made supper for Nick. Will he come?
    INES: He had already left. I will clean after dinner.

    Ines takes saucepan and exits.

    Ines-takes-saucepan

    DOROTHY: Do you agree in the interest of Nicky?
    LORI: Me, never. Really. Why only at your’s house?
    DOROTHY: In my place there is energetic power.

    there-is-energetic-power

    LORI: Yes. And not a thing happened.
    DOROTHY: It was not enough time to wake up powers that we need.
    LORI: Perhaps we made something wrong.
    DOROTHY: You know how many old books I read about that.
    LORI: Yes, sorry. We will have a result, someday.

    Ines returns, she has four glasses on tray.

    LORI: Does Nick come?
    DOROTHY: No, it is for special guest.
    INES: Yes, for one, who won't refuse to come to us tonight.
    LORI: Are you sure?
    INES: I foresee.

    Dorothy opens wine, pours red vine into glasses.

    DOROTHY: For our success!
    INES: Yes, everything will work.

    Women make salutes with glasses and sip a bit.

    women-make-salutes-with-glasses-and-sip-a-bit

    DOROTHY: Let's start.
    INES: Tonight may I start.
    DOROTHY: Can you?
    INES: This night I can everything.
    LORI: It's her house, to her energy will come quicker.
    DOROTHY: Fine, begin.

    Women join hands, make a circle.

    women-join-hands-make-a-circle

    INES: Dracula, I call you. You weren't afraid to come before. I wait for you, now we talk.
    LORI: What are you doing?
    DOROTHY: Don't make that!

    Women let go hands.

    INES: Are you afraid?
    DOROTHY: Are you dreaming? This substance is not so simple.
    LORI: You can't do this.
    INES: When we made everything on rules nobody came.
    DOROTHY: Two times we heard a rustle.
    INES: I want to see Dracula.
    LORI: Why him?
    INES: Because I know that he will come.
    DOROTHY: You had a dream.
    INES: Yes, a daydream. Saw him like you now. It is not important. Are we continue?
    LORI: I don't know.
    DOROTHY: You can't do this.
    INES: Hands!

    Women joint hands. Dorothy shrugs shoulders scornful.

    INES: Night, I beg you. I want your son come to us. I call Vlad Dracula.
    DOROTHY: Silence. Not even a rustle. I told you, only at location where all energies are prepared.
    LORI: We lost such a night. We need to wait again for so long.
    INES: Dracula, if you were real. Come, charlatan. You scared everyone and have a fear yourself. Nonentity. Sadist, osmanian`s prisoner!


    Scene 5.

    Enters Dracula, he waves with his cloak. The talk powder drops from cloak.

    enters-dracula-talk-powder-drops-from-cloak

    DRACULA: Here I am!

    Women scream.

    DRACULA: Quiet! All!
    DOROTHY: It can't be!
    DRACULA: I am landlord of Transylvania, not a cipher. The women like you...

    Dracula comes to Ines, Ines turns her head up.

    dracula-comes-to-ines-turns-her-head-up

    INES: What? Made one of your’s mistress. Old vampire.
    DRACULA: What for? Impaled them on kick head near the ground and birds just finished tortures.
    LORI: It's disgusting!
    DRACULA: Silent.
    LORI: Sorry.
    DRACULA: But very effective. How you offend? You think when you humiliate someone you make yourself nicer.
    INES: You're ash!
    DRACULA: Maybe, but not the dirt like you.
    DOROTHY: We weren't introduced. I'm Dorothy.
    DRACULA: Already know my name. What now?
    DOROTHY: It is the greatest day in my life. Could we...
    DRACULA: Do you want to say - make a photo?
    DOROTHY: Yes.
    LORI: You are reading thoughts.
    DRACULA: Put your hand on the table.

    Dorothy puts on table her’s telephone.

    DRACULA: That's better. Let us tattle, girls.
    LORI: What about?
    DRACULA: Not about Ines`s character. Here I have already told everything. And not about Nick. The door of wardrobe will close. I feel the wind from there.

    Out of wardrobe emerges Nick’s hand and firmly closes the door of wardrobe from inside. Women squeal.

    out-of-wardrobe-emerges-hand-and-firmly-closes-door-from-inside

    DRACULA: Noiselessly! You heard what I said. Yes, about talking. Can you reveal something interesting?
    DOROTHY: We? You had such a horrible life, I had in mind wonderful.
    DRACULA: I don't think that my experience will be useful for you.
    DOROTHY: You saw so many people, you know history.
    DRACULA: I lived in history and will be there constantly.
    LORI: What for why what for you why now came to us why and from?
    DRACULA: Don't be hysterical. I don't came for your’s unfaithfulness soul.
    LORI: My soul, my unfaithfulness? Why what for you told me that why not know me?
    DRACULA: You thought it was toys. You wanted to prove that Ines is insane.
    INES: What about me? I'm normal.
    DRACULA: Utterly. And like typical person you call Dracula.
    DOROTHY: I hadn't any intention about Ines.
    DRACULA: We don't tackle about you.
    LORI: Lie. Slander.
    DRACULA: You had prepared that calumny for Nick. You told him that you wanted to help your’s friend. And you are planning to comfort her’s husband after that.
    INES: Nick! Do you want Nick?
    LORI: To whom do you believe?
    INES: Want you Nick?
    LORI: No, Dorothy and you with all your’s ghosts. (with angry) What can you give him?
    INES: Me?
    LORI: Yes! He needs a family, children. Not you with your’s Dracula!
    INES: You are bitch!

    Ines throws herself on Lori. They are fighting behind the table, screaming.

    women-fighting-behind-the-table

    DOROTHY: They are arguing about that man... Can you make a business for what we call you?
    DRACULA: Business?
    DOROTHY: Yes. I wait for this. (Dorothy unbuttons buttons on her blouse, shows her neck) Would it be comfortable?

    dorothy-unbuttons-buttons-on-her-blouse-shows-her-neck

    DRACULA: What do you want?
    DOROTHY: Bite! And I will be like you.
    DRACULA: Go away!

    Dracula starts to back off from Dorothy.

    dracula-starts-back-off-from-dorothy

    DOROTHY: Wait!

    Dracula runs, after him runs Dorothy. Ines and Lori still fight.

    Blackout.


    Scene 6.

    Weapon shop.

    enters-dracula-panting-for-breath

    Enters Dracula. He is panting for breath. Takes off his cloak, puts it on the floor. Dust of talk powder.

    DRACULA: Really! Positively I ran away. (sits down on floor)

    dracula-sits-down-on-the-floor

    I had suffered a great deal. At once I remembered Turkish and Hungarian prison. Who could aware? Woman. What was her name? Dorothy, I think. In the night I was running away from her on streets and she was screaming – bite. Mayhap some dog heard and made mercy to her.
    Horror. For so many years I didn't run. I still could escape from enemy. Good, skilful. She didn't understand manoeuvres. Unobjectionable.
    They scared with my name. What about her`s glance? Or better I bit her? Nothing will happen to her. Perchance, shut up.
    No, I made everything right. If I pierced her, she never let me go. She will insist that I make her a vampire. How? I understand nothing. Why did they want to live like that? Even I have to hide, change place where I dwelt. No, I can't live like that no more.
    I didn't feel myself so alive for a long time. Absolutely different feeling when not from you run woman, but you from her. Is it possible that I have new feelings? Where is my dispirited life? It is really strange. I have to think about that.
    Nick is not here yet. He could come only at morning, at work. What did women do with him? Enigma.


    Scene 7.

    Enters Nick. His face in woman`s lipstick. He tired and has tore clothes.

    man-face-in-woman-lipstick-tore-clothes

    DRACULA: My greetings. Unharmed?
    MAN: I think so.
    DRACULA: I am glad to see you. I concluded that they you already...
    MAN: What?
    DRACULA: I want to use my pass to visit you in new place. To know how you are doing. Is it homely?
    MAN: In place of eternal life?
    DRACULA: Or eternal redemption.
    MAN: You are right.
    DRACULA: Tell me what happened.
    MAN: When did you escape?
    DRACULA: What I had to do?
    MAN: Where is Dorothy?
    DRACULA: She was hunt on me.
    MAN: Why she need you?
    DRACULA: You are strange. She insisted that I made her a vampire. Tonight, immediately, not put aside.
    MAN: And you run away.
    DRACULA: You see. If she didn't follow you.
    MAN: Me, not.
    DRACULA: Could be.
    MAN: Why did you refuse?
    DRACULA: You perceive why.
    MAN: You could explained that you're not a vampire and different energy keep you here.
    DRACULA: I thought it wasn’t suitable in that obstruction.
    MAN: You had left them fighting...
    DRACULA: It's your problem. What happened there?
    MAN: After you avoid Dorothy?
    DRACULA: I don't want to be on their way and I need to solve my problem.
    MAN: They were fighting for me.
    DRACULA: What I see? You are happy about that. Women fought for you.
    MAN: Ines was fighting for me, do you understand.
    DRACULA: I do. Did you stop the scuffle?
    MAN: Not at once.
    DRACULA: And after that they call me a sadist.
    MAN: I didn't feel pleasure about it.
    DRACULA: I don't believe you.
    MAN: It is truth. Not at once I could get out from wardrobe.
    DRACULA: It's comical.
    MAN: Vice versa. When you said to close the door, I closed it so tight. I need time to get out of there.
    DRACULA: Did you stop the fight?
    MAN: To be exactly, pulled aside one from another.
    DRACULA: And the Oscar goes to...
    MAN: What?
    DRACULA: I ask, who is the winner.
    MAN: Lori, when she saw that I hide... She said that she don't want to see me. That I am an animal and deserve Ines.
    DRACULA: You have lipstick on your face. Did she change her mind?
    MAN: No, struck the door and went away.
    DRACULA: Amantium irae, amoris integratio est. On that occasion Ines.
    MAN: Yes. I became a hero for her. And when she fell asleep. Then... I went to find you. And I thought that you are here.
    DRACULA: Why descry me?
    MAN: To thank you.
    DRACULA: What for?
    MAN: Now everything is perfect in my family.
    DRACULA: I am glad for you. Sorry, it is not my craft. You have something to do with such marriage. Maybe you need a psychologist. That relationships are not healthy, if they based only at that sort of passion.

    sadist-offer-me-advice

    MAN: Sadist offer me advice.
    DRACULA: You thanked me.
    MAN: I understand everything. Sorry. Thank you. Were you a sadist? Are you ashamed? All Europe was scared of you.
    DRACULA: I was fighting for my possessions.
    MAN: Destroying all around you and all that tortures.
    DRACULA: Accusare nemo se debet nisi corem Deo. I haven't excuse from the humanity point of view.
    MAN: You admit it.
    DRACULA: Undeniably. But I never used name of Christ to hid my doings.
    MAN: What are you talking?
    DRACULA: Everybody remember Vlad Dracul, byname Tepes, whose mother born him in Sighiosoara.
    MAN: After what you had done, how to forgot about you.
    DRACULA: I don't excuse myself. Remember, not only I did this. I had a helpers.
    MAN: You ordered them.
    DRACULA: I am tired of explanations. Especially to you.
    MAN: And for yourself?
    DRACULA: My conscience is dark secret. Culpam poena premit comes.
    I just became personification of angst. Not I, could be someone else.
    MAN: Lie.
    DRACULA: Not. When they wrote about my cruelty, forgot about themselves.
    MAN: Who do you blame?
    DRACULA: Did you forget it was Inquisitio Haereticae Pravitatis Sanctum Officium in Europe. Tortures, fire and all this was not for stability in country. Like I did.
    MAN: Every sadist have excuses.
    DRACULA: I was a politician.
    MAN: No, you were a murderer. Nowadays you couldn't live like this.
    DRACULA: Are you sure? (starts to laugh)

    dracula-starts-to-laught

    MAN: It is fun for you, villain.
    DRACULA: Calm down. I just surprised that you are so innocent. What I had done never stops in word till today.
    MAN: Nonsense.
    DRACULA: No, that is how every ruler lives.
    MAN: Untruth. Now everything is civilized.
    DRACULA: Truly? If you don't have bodies on sticks along the road, it doesn't mean that state need less dead people.
    MAN: You... you... you are mad because of blood.
    DRACULA: What about wars? Piece contingent for regulating what... Women, children they are dying. And not always scorns are better that my victims or Inquisitio.
    MAN: It can't be.
    DRACULA: In the morning you will think about it.
    MAN: They have different purpose, haven't they?
    DRACULA: A lot of heads cuts for peace.
    MAN: Why do you say this?
    DRACULA: It just happened that from 1897 I became portrayal of evil. One, sole, scariest. A little more and I change Aid on his throne. But for that I think I must die.
    Sovereigns always the same. After four hundred years I became the worst. I don't know who from your contemporary times will be on my place in about two hundred years.
    MAN: I am scared.
    DRACULA: Of me?
    MAN: No, I used to you already. In life nothing is changed.
    DRACULA: I disagree with you. Sometimes enough just to think. And after it changes everything. Like in your’s case, one night made all clear.
    MAN: Yes.
    DRACULA: At moment you make a decision, choose what you like.
    MAN: Yes. I still love her. Nessie.
    DRACULA: You see. What had you walk through to see what is clear for everyone?
    MAN: How about your’s fame?
    DRACULA: I want to stay a warning for all. Not always what was made for glory of country values by its citizens like good. And I became a commercial project. Just like teddy bear for those who sleeps with lights on.
    MAN: Do you think something will change?
    DRACULA: Sure, when from fear disappears delight. Now it's tourist attraction.
    MAN: It could be.
    DRACULA: Did you hear that in my personal stamp was human blood?
    MAN: Is it truth?
    DRACULA: Of course, not. I just invent all that, and you believed. Infotainment.
    MAN: Fine, thank you. It was such a chance of a lifetime that I met you. My life will improve. Of course, I don't know for how long...
    DRACULA: I also honestly glad that came to you that night. Amicitae nostrae memoriam spero sempitemam fore. Now it’s time to goodbye.
    MAN: Do I need to find a silver bullet for you?
    DRACULA: You know, in my life not everything so bad. I can manage with it for a century.
    MAN: What will I do?
    DRACULA: You can find me. If you want, become one of vampires. Who know I could have a vampire`s supremacy at the end. We could try. If you want I can beat your wife.
    MAN: She will have eternal life!
    DRACULA: We could do it without that. I could just beat her and police not prove nothing.
    MAN: I don't know.
    DRACULA: Always there is an exit... and someone whose life worse than yours. Acta est fabula plaudite.

    dracula-miles-and-goes-away

    Dracula smiles and goes away.


    CURTAIN.


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