Alexia – copy-editor, ”librarian's” style in clothes.
Billy Wood – son of Ronny, over 20-ty, handsome, wears T-shirt, jeans.
David – journalist, headphones all the time on the head.
Helga – middle-age, Scandinavians type woman.
Niky – beautiful woman, wears fashion clothes.
Karine – middle-age woman, over-weight, wears long skirt and blouse in polka dot with enormous flounces.
Ronny Wood – editor, owner of newspaper.
Silvia – student, works in newspaper.
Newspaper’s office. Desks with computers, in the centre is editor’s office, on back wall of which are different colourful pages.
Enters Silvia, in her hand are papers, which she reads.
SILVIA: Better could be another headline “Terrible death of hopes”. Or return to previous “Disaster came to town.” I will ask Karine.
Enters Karine, eats a biscuit.
SILVIA: New receipt? Morning.
KARINE: Old one. I found notebook from courses in Vienna. Such lovely biscuits, about which I forget.
SILVIA: I want your opinion about my headline.
KARINE: Just a moment. Today I also wrote an article, when baked, about eleven problems which cause overweight.
SILVIA: Why eleven?
KARINE: Ten is banality to reader.
SILVIA: I think, you still don’t want to put your photo on our site.
KARINE: I read that people like connoisseur with the same problems, but fame is not for me. I wrote love advice for teenagers and horoscopes, I have my admirers. My weight is over 230 lb, you know it. Manager of this office building all the time asks me if I am going to use the elevator, because it has limits for weight.
SILVIA: Manager of this building. Why you can’t simply said Steve, your ex-husband?
KARINE: He recognized biscuit, the same which I prepared for our 11 th anniversary. I called them “Steve’s kiss”. That he remember, but when he was with that bitch, he forget about wife and about bakery.
SILVIA: David proposed to destroy Steve’s computer, he wrote about hackers life.
KARINE: No. No. For me is enough Steve’s password to e-mail.
SILVIA: Like you wish.
KARINE: Give me an article.
KARINE: Definitely. “Disaster came to town”. Who will read that it’s about rain in the middle of flower’s show. “If you don’t hit a newspaper reader between the eyes with your first sentence, there is no need of writing a second one. Arthur Brisbane.”
SILVIA: Fine I will show it Ronny when he came.
KARINE: Will be late as usual. But he has some plan.
KARINE: Silvia, you joined us few months ago. I’m here for ten years. Ronny has an idea connected to our newspaper’s birthday date. If it’s something amazing, in reality will be awful, like all previous times.
DAVID: Hello! What a lovely day!
DAVID: I already done so much, since yesterday.
SILVIA: It’s coffee, not you are talking.
DAVID: Perhaps. It was greatest battle. Bobby saw it.
KARINE: I see, thumbs are still twitching.
DAVID: Our team became leader after five rounds.
KARINE: When you write about sport, not computer competitions, at morning you are tired and drunk. Your enthusiasm doesn’t spoil my day.
ALEXIA: Good morning everyone. Silvia, you already put article on my table. How many times I have to warn that I don’t want to begin every day with your mistakes and incompetence?
SILVIA: “We, journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective. Dave Barry.” You correct in my text only few errors.
ALEXIA: Silvia, I have pity to you. Sincerely, I am impressed. You could read.
KARINE: “You’re miserable, edgy and tired. You’re in the perfect mood for journalism. Warren Ellis.”
ALEXIA: Good morning to you, Karine. Smell of bakery announced about new diet.
KARINE: Some sugar will be helpful even to your super-brain, Alexia.
NIKY: Morning. Today was such wonderful coffee when I waked up.
KARINE: You get that barista.
NIKY: I did.
KARINE: What he will tell if won’t be any article about his life?
NIKY: Ronny prefer exactingness and I need more time to research.
DAVID: “Journalism is an act of faith in the future. Ann Curry.”
SILVIA: How you could do all this?
NIKY: Experience, my dear. Experience. Alexia, I wrote an article, but haven’t time to proofread.
ALEXIA: Niky, it’s my job. “Journalism is literature in a hurry. Matthew Arnold.”
KARINE: Work hard, everyone, Ronny could came any minute.
NIKY: Impossible, he will arrive at the noon.
KARINE: Yesterday he told that changed clocks time.
NIKY: In which direction.
Enters Billy, handsome man, over 20-ty, wears glasses.
BILLY: Good morning...
KARINE: Thanks, you could left your articles on the table near door. We will call you later.
BILLY: I didn’t write an article.
NIKY: You get lost, poor child.
BILLY: I’m looking for Ronny Wood.
KARINE: I told you, put your articles there. Ronny will read them anyway.
BILLY: I have an appointment.
SILVIA: You could wait here, editor will came soon. Would you like a cup of coffee or tea, cake?
BILLY: Thank you. I already had breakfast. I was a bit late, I am glad that came earlier than Ronny.
ALEXIA: You are lucky that manage it.
Billy’s phone rings.
BILLY: I’m sorry. I will back in a moment.
NIKY: Don’t tell that, Alexia.
KARINE: Give him a chance.
DAVID: Tell the truth, Alexia. Don’t listen Niky.
ALEXIA: Fine. David, I think, he is handsome.
SILVIA: Again. Just for once.
ALEXIA: Not every one...
KARINE: You spoiled them. If you said that you think, he is handsome, results are always the same.
ALEXIA: Every time?
NIKY: Without exceptions, we’ll find out that he select men.
SILVIA: He was so sweet in his glasses. Lovely smile.
NIKY: Stop dreaming, Silvia. Alexia liked him, cross out.
DAVID: I will check him, girls. If you wish, Silvia, for you.
SILVIA: Please, please do it.
KARINE: Empty hopes.
BILLY: Does Ronny came already?
KARINE: You won’t miss him.
DAVID: Hey, man, how was yesterday match Real with Madrid?
BILLY: I’m sorry, but not interested in it. I was in the library.
NIKY: Library. Quiet and lovely place.
BILLY: Helps to concentrate with research.
NIKY: Close scrutiny.
Billy’s phone rings once more.
BILLY: Again my editor, sorry.
KARINE: You heard, editor phoned him. Ronny want to have another man in newspaper.
NIKY: I always insist on it.
SILVIA: Library, Niky. Library.
NIKY: It was your fault.
KARINE: Girls, I didn’t know something.
SILVIA: Niky gave me an advice, how to meet smart man in library.
DAVID: I am all ears.
SILVIA: Find a book on the shelf to which you need a ladder to reach it. Climb the ladder, on stilettos and short skirt...
NIKY: I prefer shorts.
SILVIA: Reach book, sit on the top of ladder and with thoughtful glance read the book, till objects will come to you by own initiative.
KARINE: Something went wrong.
SILVIA: On stilettos, with ladder? How did you guess? I was climbing like spider on skates. Reach the book...
DAVID: Sit and show your legs.
SILVIA: All finished before culmination. On book was a lot of dust. I started to caught, I became blue and red, out of breath, after that. Security man, which gave me water, was lovely, but 63 years old. Library, Niky.
NIKY: All came with experience.
DAVID: Did we need deep enquiry about that visitor?
KARINE: Questions about video games will be useless. It is your fate, Silvia.
SILVIA: In journalistic you will meet a lot of man. You said it to me, Karine.
DAVID: They all will pass you.
Enter Ronny and Billy.
RONNY: Morning, lazy people.
KARINE: Morning, early bird.
RONNY: I need congratulation to birthday. Now, brains switch on.
DAVID: My dearest, my love to you, as green as football field...
RONNY: As deep as water. I need passion.
NIKY: My dear, I will wish you the happiest birthday which you could only have. I hope you will enjoy every second of it, not to mention minutes of bitterness when you will look for me and didn’t find my face among your dearest. I will wait you to make you special...
RONNY: Less details. Next.
KARINE: My darling, to your birthday I will prepare whatever you like. Every dish has your name in headline. I want to make that day special for you and my advice - begin with dessert.
SILVIA: Do I know him well?
RONNY: Just acquaintance with whom you hope for long, efficient relationships.
SILVIA: Many happy returns for your special day. I heard that today is your birthday. I didn’t prepare anything, because it will be odd from person who you didn’t know...
NIKY: Who is he?
RONNY: It was stretching for your brains. Birthday of our newspaper. Ten years. Did you forget?
KARINE: Idea of bakery with newspaper’s name wasn’t bad.
RONNY: Karine, you will write it. Everyone else, I had an awesome idea.
NIKY: Flash-mob on the bridge with our newspaper.
RONNY: It was previous year.
ALEXIA: It was dreadful!
RONNY: Alexia, you will like my new idea.
KARINE: It will be so boring.
RONNY: You all will write articles in different languages for celebration birthday of our newspaper.
DAVID: Warum nicht?
RONNY: David feels it’s inspiring. By the way, all, this is Billy. Billy there are all. He will work here for month, he has a holiday. Billy will help with languages. And I’ll invite few more assistants. Everyone understand me?
RONNY: I said it’s considerable. You promised to help. It’s proper work.
RONNY: William Ronald Wood, my son. Billy, will be Latin professor in law school, I hope for something like that, not researcher. Billy will see our work and, I hope, will find proper life outside of library.
BILLY: It’s uncomfortable.
RONNY: They will know your whole story in fifteen minutes. Come to my office, Billy, tell me about your mother. And one more, Nicky, behave, Billy has a girlfriend, who study Botany at University. I was with both of them on flower exhibition, felt like I am an alien without language knowledge. Silvia, did you write about rain?
SILVIA: Yes, Ronny.
BILLY: Father, you could add also, that you left us when I was ten. Moved to Norway with Helga. Than were...
KARINE: We know this story in tiny details, all women, till return to our city.
RONNY: Billy, Helga will came here.
NIKY: To help us with articles.
RONNY: Niky, smart girl. Helga is teacher of Spanish.
KARINE: Predictable like change of day and night.
RONNY: Billy, came to my office, we need something strong to drink.
Ronny and Billy exit.
NIKY: One good news, he has a girlfriend.
SILVIA: It’s bad news.
NIKY: Don’t be pessimistic. You don’t have to spend time to make him an adept of your religion.
ALEXIA: I was wrong. You see. My compliment is not dangerous for everyone.
KARINE: Child of “Butcher” (The Cambridge Handbook for Editors) and “Ritter” (The Oxford Guide to style), you also could make mistakes. Miracle on Grammar street.
SILVIA: And if he stays...
DAVID: We’ll have to work harder, if he will be in office frequently than Ronny.
NIKY: If you don’t mind, I’ll take care of him.
NIKY: Silvia, you don’t interested, he has a girlfriend.
KARINE: I’ll bake cake for him.
ALEXIA: Strongest weapon in Universe. Now everything will be under control.
Ronny stays behind Alexia’s shoulder, read from monitor.
RONNY: Not bad. Translate it on some language.
KARINE: We wait for help, Ronny.
RONNY: I know, I called to few ex. They didn’t agree. Helga will came, I know her. Everyone else became suddenly busy, I don’t know why all needed translators.
ALEXIA: Back to our story, if you don’t mind.
RONNY: All attention.
RONNY: Helga, dear, I’m glad that you came.
HELGA: You said it was important for newspaper.
RONNY: It’s ten birthday. I started it after you...
RONNY: I remember everything.
"Å være eller ikke være: Det
Eller å trekke sverdet mot et hav av sorger,
Again you are smiling. Will you help me?
HELGA: As I promised.
RONNY: I remeber Spanish, which you teach me.
HELGA: I would like to hear something.
RONNY (with passion): Corto el arbol con un hacha afilada. (I cut the tree with a sharp axe).
HELGA: Marvelous. Hope you didn't speak in Spanish with another people, except me.
RONNY: How could I? El tiembre suena a las ocho. (The bell rings at eight o'clock.)
HELGA: I'm glad to hear that. I will help with texts. Don't worry.
RONNY: Hasta luego. (See you soon).
Ronny kisses Helga's hand, exits.
KARINE: We all were witnesses. Helga, sorry, my name is Karine. I am here from beginning of newspaper. We all heard this poem. What about it was? I could predict it's Norsk. I suppose, Peer Gynt by Henrik Ibsen.
HELGA: Danish. Ronny still didn't get it. Staggering. It was "To be or not to be". I thought it will be fun to heard Hamlet's soliloque on Prince's native language read by Englisman.
ALEXIA: Alexia. My name is Alexia, if you remember. I want a photo with you.
HELGA: I read to him traffic laws on Spanish, he always mentioned it's sexy.
SILVIA: I cut the tree with a sharp axe. The bell rings at eight o'clock.
HELGA: With Spanish you won't have problems. Why Ronny worried? Show me Scandinavian languages and Deutsch.
DAVID: I am working on Deutsch.
HELGA: Dette smakte jammen godt! (This is increadibly tasteful).
ALEXIA: Give Deutsch to her.
DAVID: You humiliate me.
KARINE: I am afraid, she is right.
DAVID: I didn't mind. The less work, the better.
BILLY: Father told me... Helga!
HELGA: Did we know each other?
BILLY: Summer at Greece with Ronny Wood.
HELGA: Billy, you are so... Became a real man.
NIKY: Ronny is out, if you wish, I could help you with an article.
BILLY: Thank you. No.
HELGA: We need to talk, to work normal.
BILLY: From my side won't be problems. After debackle with you, father didn't bring on holidays his girlfriends.
HELGA: I am glad that you are so strong, but we need to talk.
KARINE: I ordered a table for everyone in our cafe. Helga, Billy, sorry, I didn't count on you, it was month ago.
BILLY: Nothing to worry.
HELGA: Thank you, Karine.
All, except Billy and Helga exit.
BILLY: Don't you think it was disrespectful?
HELGA: They all work with Ronny, politeness is unknown to them.
BILLY: What do you want from me?
HELGA: I know, why you are here.
BILLY: I'm glad.
HELGA: The same reason as me, to see that Ronny has miserable life. All his ideas are disaster. Even this with multilingual articles. It's multilingual collapse. Arthur Baker will do this for his election campaign. Every idea which Ronny had is bad or he'll lost it. I understand that you want to see it on own eyes.
BILLY: Did you finish?
HELGA: Yes. And now I will go home. Because, like you, I didn't receive money for this work.
BILLY: I am not like she. I just want to know, that father miss me, it's different.
RONNY: Are you still here? My Billy. Everyone are in cafe, you also need to rest.
BILLY: Father, why you bring me to newspaper?
RONNY: I want to show you my world. World of the news. Billy, try to be among journalists, try to understand why it's so important for me and why I want that you'll be part of it.
BILLY: Father, I will accomplish what we discussed. How you could believe in media when everyone had own news? Social media are more important now, can't you see. By the way, you don't invent something new.
RONNY: I write news, not invent them.
BILLY: Your idea about different languages, week ago.
RONNY: It wasn't such a thing in media.
BILLY: Possibly, but Arthur Baker, candidate on mayor post, yesterday began his multilingual part of campaign.
RONNY: I never heard about it. I read his statements. Multilingual problem wasn't his aim.
BILLY: Now it is. I thought you adviced him that at first place.
RONNY: I never councel politics. Did you see Nicky today?
BILLY: She supposed to be with everyone.
RONNY: If you'll see her, tell, I want to talk.
BILLY: You could phone her, surprising idea.
RONNY: She never answers to my phone-calls.
BILLY: You are her editor.
RONNY: That's the reason.
BILLY: I will go.
RONNY: See you, I am glad that you are here.
KARINE: What happened?
RONNY: Billy said you.
KARINE: No. But I saw news in cafe.
RONNY: I didn't tell my idea to that candidate.
KARINE: Multilingual advertisement. Nicky said it wasn't she.
RONNY: She didn't answer phone.
RONNY: I haven't a clue. Could she be interested in him?
KARINE: Middle-aged, rich. What Nicky could find in him? Are you jealous?
RONNY: It was once and I try to forget. Almost forget.
KARINE: Silvia is too young to made PR advice.
RONNY: You could suggest with the same confidence Alexia.
KARINE: Woman which on free time makes semantic analys of sentences, could be.
RONNY: Are you serious?
KARINE: Her head had to boil.
RONNY: Fine, we'll have two suspects.
KARINE: You didn't ask about me.
RONNY: Arthur Baker builded fitness centre on place of your favourite cafe. I can't suspect you.
KARINE: Yes, I better advice him flash-mob with our newspaper.
RONNY: I remember, it was awful wind, but hoped it could work.
KARINE: And ask David, he also like to talk.
RONNY: Investigation, like in old times.
KARINE: We could do it.
NIKY: Salve.(Hello) Sorry, I’m late. Billy, you are here. Ut vales? (How are you?) Only you could help me.
BILLY: Bonum diem. (Good day.) Optime valeo, gratias ago. (I'm fine, thank you.) Me?
NIKY: Till morning I was working on cum.
NIKY: Cum pluit, effundid. (Whenever it rains, it pours.) Cum pluerat, effundebat. (Whenever it rained, it was pouring.)
BILLY: You have to summarize all meaning. Not focus on one. When it is like preposition...
SILVIA: Fan-club of dead language could be elsewhere. We are working here.
SILVIA: Am I wrong? Scribimus quod legatur. (We write that so that it may be read.)
BILLY: It could wait. Sorry, Silvia. Libris legendis discimus. (We learn by reading books.) I am working on revision.
NIKY: Our girl has claws, finally, I thought you were helpless.
BILLY: When I look at you, Silvia, I all the time think about Lobelia cardinalis (Cardinal flower).
KARINE: God! Hope it's curable.
ALEXIA: Karine, it's name of flower.
KARINE: Thank God!
BILLY: Beautiful, but with a drop of poison, dangerous.
SILVIA: I am glad that your girlfriend teach you everything.
NIKY: French article I will write.
KARINE: Perfect knowledge?
NIKY: Essential. Dans quel quartier est-ce qu’il y a des boutiques de haute couture? (In what neighbourhood are there designer boutiques?)
ALEXIA: Tourist level!
KARINE: All mine books in French usually contain different phrase. Prechauffez le four a 180-200 C. (Preheat the oven to 180-200 C.)
SILVIA: What language you will propose, Alexia?
ALEXIA: The one you never used.
DAVID: Surprise us.
ALEXIA: Proper English, without mistakes.
KARINE: People prefer when read in own language. It's more easy and pure pleasure for brain.
ALEXIA: New knowledge are inside you, not including food recipe.
KARINE: I will show you an article, later, about people who feels more connected with person who know their native language.
ALEXIA: I was rude. I'll read it when you give it to me.
NIKY: Saint Alexia. C’est parfait. (That’s perfect.) Quelque chose ne va pas.(Something is not right.) Everyone will work on own project. Will see, what Ronny will say.
In newspaper’s office are Billy and Alexia.
Billy reads papers. Alexia looks at him.
BILLY: Why all articles are on paper? We have computers.
ALEXIA: I believe in learning and improving. When everyone by themselves put my changes in the text, they could learn it.
BILLY: Alexia, all are gone, could I ask you for something.
ALEXIA (deep voice): Yes.
BILLY: Could you help me with editing this article, which father insisted me to write?
ALEXIA (comes near him, breathing became faster till end of speech): Yes, I could. We will start with misspelled words, than check agreement of subjects and verbs, see overuse of passive voice, look for vague pronouns, revize punctuation and at the end will diagramming sentences.
BILLY: Oh God. It could wait for tomorrow.
ALEXIA: What for?
DAVID: I forget to upload... Did I? Am I not on time?
ALEXIA (in normal voice): Billy asked me to help him with revising article. It will wait for tomorrow, won't it?
BILLY: Till next week. I'm sure.
ALEXIA: David, again you had the same mistake. Do you remember our conversation about OSCOLA (The Oxford Style for the Citation of Legal Authorities)?
DAVID: Yes. And previous evening I gave my manual to Billy, he didn’t return it.
ALEXIA: Is it verifiable?
BILLY: Left it near my pillow, I'm sorry.
ALEXIA: David, last time I forgive you. Billy, you have to have own. Now bye, boys, I have to go.
BILLY: What did you give me?
DAVID: Guide of quotations. Butcher’s Copy-editing is her prayers book.
BILLY: How did you survive?
DAVID: Hard times, man. But I know solutions.
BILLY: Sorry, but they never try to seduce you, or I start to imagine things.
DAVID: Lonely women, they are desperate.
BILLY: Of course, I like Silvia. Does she has boyfriend? With her is more fun than was with Judy.
BILLY: We broked up, but I didn't tell father.
DAVID: If you wish to stay alive here, keep quiet.
BILLY: I saw them.
DAVID: Have you something to do at evening? If you wish, me and Bobby planned...
BILLY: Sorry, I won't interrupt.
DAVID: Bobby is Roberta, hot girl. Name! Words are important here. When I lovely talk with Bobby on phone, they are quiet and don’t touch me, it’s intolerable. One disadvantage, they ask advice about fashion.
BILLY: And you?
DAVID: I attentively listen to Bobby and than repeat her thoughts to them. Habit of profession. So, you are with us.
BILLY: If I don't disturb you both.
DAVID: No. Bobby will talk with Phil, her friend. Phil is Philistia, if you will like her, it could be good cover name for them. (points on empty desks).
BILLY: At first, just drink, but thank you for support.
DAVID: Any time.
Billy and David exit.
KARINE: Ronny, do you heard about scandal with advertisement campaign of Arthur Baker?
RONNY: Exactly what?
KARINE: He was accused that he humiliate one part of citizens and praised another when wrote stories in their native tongue with horrible mistakes.
RONNY: You are aware, I haven't any power to change opinion of people.
KARINE: It was you, old fox.
RONNY: Perhaps. I won't deny that I am glad about this catastrophe... By accident, I already wrote a story about it for tomorrow's newspaper.
KARINE: Good for you. What we will do with our multilingual project?
RONNY: Gone for good. It will be "Happy Birthday" on front page. Rest of the money we will spend on party. You choose restaurant, philantropists should be happy.
KARINE: I'm on your side. Did you find a traitor?
KARINE: It will be show time.
RONNY: Hope so.
All characters are on stage.
RONNY: I gathered you together to tell one news: Alexia is fired.
RONNY: At her place will work Silvia, our young professional. She will manage.
SILVIA: I... I... thank you. I'm proud to be part of your team.
RONNY: And when you hope I will know about that?
KARINE: To whom do you talk, Ronny.
RONNY: Alexia and Helga are working for our candidate of major.
ALEXIA: What a problem? I need money, more than your newspaper gave me for my effort.
RONNY: And once in a lifetime you wanted to sound smart.
NIKY: She is smartest everywhere.
RONNY: Alexia proposed an idea, interesting idea, about campaign. To write advertisements in foreign languages. It was minute of your glory. Did they applaud?
ALEXIA: Only gave money. Your understanding of news is Middle Ages. One idea was fantastic, from previous years all were disaster. You can't do nothing in journalism, Ronny. That scandal with languages spoiled everything.
RONNY: It was your idea, my dear, remember it. Helga, another my dearest. You worked for him to correct texts and didn't say me a word.
HELGA: Go to Hell, Ronny.
RONNY: You stole my line. Get out from my newspaper, both.
Helga and Alexia exit.
NIKY: What is now?
RONNY: Honour of birthday. Karine organized all, I hope.
KARINE: Like you said.
SILVIA: What will be with newspaper?
RONNY: Don't be afraid, we'll remain alive.
DAVID: If we add a little of new technology.
RONNY: I will listen about that later. We will survive. "News satisfied a basic human impulse. People have an instinct – to know what is occuring beyond their direct experience. Being aware of events we cannot see for ourselves engenders a sense of security, control, and confidence." (The elements of journalism. Kovach. Rosenstiel.)
NIKY: Celebrate! Long life of news!
Niky, David, Karine and Sylvia exit.
BILLY: Father, I know that newspaper is important to you. What I saw, being here, you was like me, away from real world and try to make journalistic which you believe didn't died. You gave me the chance to hide myself in Latin, dead language. Like you, before, I don't know what to do. I broked up with girlfriend. And academic research is not my future. I need time to feel what is important to me.
RONNY: I know, that journalistic became post-journalism, we are typist, which quality no one needs. I hope that you'll find what you want. I will be you supporter. I don't know about myself, changing life of journalism wasn't on my to do list, but, maybe, I must do something. In any moment you could came in my profession.
BILLY: Father, you'll never stop.
RONNY: It was my conscious choice. "If a person is not talented enough to be a novelist, not smart enough to be a lawyer, and his hands are too shaky to perform operations, he becomes a journalist. Norman Mailer." Remember about this. "A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor". Plans for changing the world we'll discuss tomorrow, now is time to celebrate.
Billy and Ronny exit.
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